Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
