This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
