dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
