I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
