Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
