you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
