I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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