ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
