My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
