Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
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