just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
