I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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