Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
