There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
