and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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