My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
