Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
