Your face is a jimmy john
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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