a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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