Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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