Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
