I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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