I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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