1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
