Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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