Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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