rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
