I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
