Cold hands, warm shart.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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