tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say đ
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
how do you say âi know we havenât hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other dayâ without coming on too strong
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