I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Floor bacon is actually really good
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
