so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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