I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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