Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
