She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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