So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
