Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
