Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
