I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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