Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
