nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I believe in your delicious
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
