Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
