Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
