Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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