I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
