so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize