you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
