I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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