It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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