Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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