I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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