the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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