Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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