Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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