I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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