Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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