somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
