I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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