she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
