At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
